Thursday 4/9/2003 In an effort to make us think Microsoft is really a wholesome, apple-pie and motherhood company in no way involved in anything kinky, pervy or painful, the company has launched a new mouse. In black leather. Mmm.

Which makes us think: whatever happened to those haptic devices? The mice that simulated the texture of different surfaces as you rolled it along? They were disconcertingly good: you could choose marble, granite, leather (again), sand, all manner of different tactile feedbacks to give your hand something to tingle about as you did your daily clickathon. Other good mouse ideas that have gone by the board include odometers, telling you how far you'd dragged your rodent that month, mouse massagers that gently buzzed when you cradled them, giving you a nice burst of relaxation in the middle of your working day, and stress sensors that checked your skin conductivity and cued in some soothing music if you seemed to be getting a little fraught.

Individually, all these things have failed to, er, click. But put them together, and you can have the complete hand workout spectacular. In fact, add something like a tiny electric shock when you cause an error and you've got a total SM dungeon in the palm of your hand -- and it's safe for work.

Rupert's PR Masterclass - Thursday When you organise a big launch party in a posh joint, make sure you keep the grotty trade journos well away from the good stuff. This is particularly easy to do if you get them in the morning, give them the usual spiel, then shepherd them out into the street as you escort the Really Important Journalists from FHM and the Mirror in, alongside whatever B-list celebs and other extra treats you might have planned. That keeps the plebs in their place!